• Well, its over, and I'm home. It all went very smoothly, and all the ladies there were lovely. I have some minor aching going on in the womb, but that's it. 
• But Im soooo relieved. E

  specially that Im not constantly feeling sick anymore . I still feel a bit sick coming into a damp, smelly area (AKA my room...which currently smells like cats because Ive been to sick to my tummy to clean their litter box... ewwww..)... but its not like I actually start gagging like before.
• 
  
  I have a friend that tried to talk me out of it last night, 

  but no go. I dearly respect her opinion... but I am just NOT ready to carry a child, no matter whether I kept it or adopted it out... I cant afford to have a pregnancy and to be honest... I just didn't even WANT it... I didnt want anything to do with it. She told me she was going to get tough on me and remind me that I got on the train by having sex, knowing that it could go to pregnancy...
• But my thought was... wait a second... no, with all the birth control I used, I bought a ticket to Kentucky (no pregnancy), not chicago... so me ending up in chicago (preggos) was NOT the plan.
• She demanded I fess up to the fact though, that I knew that it was a possibility, however slim, and I should own up to the consequences like and adult.
• I dont see my choice as a childlike choice. I thought long and hard about this.
• Childlike to me is having a kid thinking your in a position to raise it and then failing miserably as a mother.

I cannot bring myself to regret the decision at all. I truly feel I made the correct decision. And the important thing was... it was MY decision.

Pregnant and Scared

So I have started this blog because I have a confession to make... one that multiple people in my life know... but something that I am having a hard time expressing all my feelings about to them, for one reason or another.

And I hope that this will help other young woman that may fall into this position by knowing what is coming, and hopefully receiving some hope out of it all.

I am a Fantastic Dreamer. When I dream, I dream big. Fantastical, sometimes unachievable dreams. But let me tell you... one dream I DO NOT yet have is one of being a mother.

I'm pregnant, and I'm getting an abortion. For the second time.

The kicker? I'm not even dating the father anymore. I wasn't when we last slept together, either. It was a stupid decision that I should had put up a wall against... but that's what happens when you try to stay "friends" with your ex, I suppose. Now I've had to suddenly cut him off. I finally became so utterly sick of him, I couldn't even stand being friends with him anymore, because after I broke up with him he was trying to hard to get back with me that all I wanted to do was push him off a cliff. Who knew a girl would ever get tired of a guy constantly offering to buy her stuff and take her everywhere? I think what bothered me most about it was that he didn't care enough while we were dating to behave like that. It took me breaking up with him to start behaving like that.

Whatever the case... despite using the morning after pill, I still managed to get pregnant a second time.

The first time I was pregnant was in august of last year, I believe. The decision to have an abortion was not a hard one to make. It was still in the very early stages, and I had drunk heavily, not knowing I was pregnant. And I was on the Depo shot at the time, so all together it was a high risk pregnancy.

But that doesn't mean that I didn't recognize that it was a life growing inside of me. So I named it to give it a memory, as screwed up as that may be on my part. We named her Faraday. We don't know whether it was actually male or female... but we decided on a name anyway. It was an accident, and one that I scolded him for creating out of a joke at one point, but somehow, it stuck.

It's not hard decision for me now. Yes, I have considered carrying the baby to full term, hope that the fact that I've been on the depo shot and had used the morning after pill, along with my family's history of unhealthy pregnancies don't cause any problems, but somehow, I doubt I'll manage to escape giving birth to an unhealthy baby because of all that.

Also, even if I did, and I adopted it out... I have known people that were adopted with both closed adoptions and open adoptions, and both people grew up with difficult childhoods, trying to understand why their mother did not want them, or how to juggle3-4 parents- the adoptive and the paternal. They hated it, and both said they would have rather never known they were adopted at all.

Not to mention that the system is so messed up, and so many kids fall through the cracks and end up in multiple foster cares, never really having a home.

As for keeping it... I am NOT ready to be a mother, financially or maturity wise. I may be 22,  but I still live with my mother and step-father, and only have a dead-end minimum wage job, and still have to finish school.... so keeping it would not be an option, either.

Over all, I'm not having a horrible fight in my head about whether or not to have an abortion. The hard part to handle is the shame that comes along with this.

I never wanted to go through this again. But here I am, ready to have another one.

I know that I will move on and live my life... but that doesn't make me feel any better about it right now.

But I can tell you one thing: after 2 pregnancies that happened despite all methods of birth control... NO MORE SEX for me until I WANT a baby. It is so not worth this constant nausea and emotional upset.

I am supposed to make an appointment with Planned Parenthood tomorrow after 10 am... but my friend and mentor, Beth, wants to meet before I actually go to the clinic for it to "discuss my options."

I think she is assuming I think I don't have any options, and that I haven't thought all this through... and I'm pretty sure she will encourage me to keep the baby... but I also think that once I explain to her all of my serious thought on the matter, she will understand. Especially since it's a high-risk pregnancy.

But I will be posting about everything that goes on along the way.

It is my hope that this blog will be able to help future young women in unplanned pregnancies prepare for and deal with  it in their time of stress.

Love and light to you all,

Fantastic Dreamer